We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
