and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
