Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She tied me up with her honor cords...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
