The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
