his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
