yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
