so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
