worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize