They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
