Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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