she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
