ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize