If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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