i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
