Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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