if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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