so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
