I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
