It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize