idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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