Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize