How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
