So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize