matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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