Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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