Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
