but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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