The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
