I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
