dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
