Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
