She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
id be glad to
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
