Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
