Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
True strength comes from lack of pants
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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