there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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