her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
