saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
