how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
