That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
