I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
