i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
