do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
