Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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