You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
