Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Randomize
