When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
