I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
