someone threw a dead crab at me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
