dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
