cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
