I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
