the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
