Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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