why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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