I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Success! We fucked roommates!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
