More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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