the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
