Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
