I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize